19 signs of a healthy relationship (2024)

When we see the type of headlines as above, we often associate them with romantic love, but many of those tips can apply to other relationships too.

This post is inspired by “19 Signs of a Healthy Relationship, According to Therapists” Story by Stacey Feintuch.

This post touches on many potential triggers and tough areas, so please keep this tab or this one open, where I have many resources to help you. If you need positive affirmations, here they are.

“The Harvard Adult Development Study is the longest-running study of happiness in the world, spanning nearly 100 years and collecting hundreds of thousands of data points about what, exactly, makes people truly happy. And—spoiler alert—it’s not money, career success, or achievement. It’s the people in your life, especially your primary relationship. So if you want tobe happy, it’s essential to know the signs of a healthy relationship and make sure your own relationship is on the right track.”

Here are the 19 things:

You’re “in like” with each other
“Of course you love each other, but do you actuallylikeyour partner? Do you find them funny, interesting and fun to be around? Or are you annoyed by their mundane habits and mannerisms? It sounds like a no-brainer, buthappy couplesreally, really like each other. “There should be an awareness that this is your best friend, the person you both like and love, and with whom you want to share your life,” says psychologist Antonia Hall, author ofThe Happy Human Playbook. And not only that, but you want to spend time together and, in doing so, bring out the best in each other.”
I’m loving that this is #1 on the list, because it seems very basic. If you don’t actually like each other, everything will be an uphill struggle, unless each of you is okay with the situation as it is. If not, what are your options?
You respect your partner and support their dreams
“Respect underlies everything else you do, and that’s why it’s one of the most important signs of a healthy relationship. In fact, it can make or break your bond. “If a relationship is based on a good foundation of friendship and respect, it will be more flexible and resilient,” says Charlynn Ruan, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles and the founder of Thrive Psychology. One way this manifests is in how your significant other reacts when you share your dreams and ambitions. “If your partner truly believes in you as a person,” says Ruan, “they will be there for you through all life stages and adapt to support your dreams.” On the other hand, dismissive behavior or words of support without actual support are signs of a problem.”
If there isn’t respect, even the very basic kind, it will be very difficult to have a healthy relationship. If you cannot respect each other, one another’s boundaries, then expecting to have support for one another’s dreams is definitely a long shot.
You thank him or her for doing the dishes
“Strong couples are also polite couples, because they care about each other’s feelings, Dr. Waldinger says. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes our worst behavior comes out with the ones we love the most (he’ll still love you anyway, right?), but healthy couples recognize that their loved ones deserve the best of them. One way the Harvard researchers noted that people expressed deep love was through gratitude—simply telling their partner “thank you” for all the big and littles things they do each day.”
This may seem trivial to some people, even silly, the thought of thanking one another for the little things each one does, but behind that may lurk a sense of entitlement or expectations.
When we have expectations that someone will do all the things they want or need to be thanked for, it sends a message that what they do is so obligatory that there is no need to thank the other person for it.
No one is obliged to do all the stuff for us we want them to do, unless we control them and they are our personal servant. That isn’t a healthy relationship!
You play <pickleball> together every weekend
“What is your “thing” together? It actually doesn’t matter whether you answered pickleball, hiking, traveling or taste-testing every single variety of cake ever made … as long as you saidsomething. That’s because strong couples enjoy hanging out together and have shared interests, Dr. Waldinger says. You don’t have to do everything together, but it’s ideal to have at least one or two activities you love doing together.”
If you don’t really have any shared interests together, no worries, you can have fun exploring different things and finding some things you like. Maybe take some workshops or classes to discover new things? These classes don’t even have to be in your locale, you can travel to a different city to take part in something there. Don’t stress out over this, maybe half the fun is doing the exploring together!
You can disagree without being disagreeable
“It’s very normal to get upset when your partner says something you don’t agree with, but these situations can escalate quickly to epic fights where each person is so intent on “winning” that the relationship loses. In healthy relationships, partners know how to disagree with their loved one politely and thoughtfully. “Couples don’t have to agree with each other, but they don’t dismiss or belittle the other person’s ideas,” Ruan says. Take a breath, don’t roll your eyes, and engage in a conversation, not a lecture or scolding. If you struggle with this, take the time to learn about communication and conflict-management strategies so you can have healthy discussions thatallowfor differences.”
If you find yourself triggered when your partner disagrees with you, look deeper and see what’s coming up from your past that is wanting to be seen. That’s what triggers are. They aren’t there to drive us mad or to torture us, rather it is part of our brain saying, “Hey, I need to be seen. I need to be looked at.” Often, we stuff those things down because they’re too difficult in the moment to deal with, but our brains want to exist in a state of peace, so it will keep pushing things up to the surface so we can look at it and work it through to heal from it.
You don’t stress out if he or she doesn’t text back right away
“Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty that gives you peace of mind, says Lisa Hochberger, PhD, LCSW, a psychologist and certified sex and relationship therapist. In less stable relationships, you may find your mind spiraling in a vortex of “what ifs” while waiting for a text or call back. Trusting relationships relieve you of that worry. “You don’t feel like you’re trying to figure out his true motives because his words and actions reveal how he really feels about you,” Hochberger says. “If he doesn’t text or call you back right away, that’s OK since you know that you’re solid.”
This stress can come from different factors. Lack of trust, fear of abandonment, insecurities, old unhealed wounds… all can factor in to feeling anxious if someone doesn’t text back soon enough. Sometimes it is a “them” problem, but often it is a “me” issue. Doing some introspective work never hurts.
You can share your innermost thoughts without worrying you’re being judged
“Being able to share your deepest thoughts is one of the foundations of a strong relationship, so it’s a great sign when you can be honest with each other and never feel like you’re being judged. “No one wants to feel judged, especially by their sweetheart,” says Hall. “Judgment can lead to feelings of resentment and contempt, both of which are hard to conceal and erode the relationship. When couples can celebrate, or at least genuinely tolerate, each other’s differences, it will foster a happy, healthy relationship.” When you can’t share that part of yourself in a safe way, it may also make you shut down, leading to secrets and even more space between you.”
Ah, this is a particularly difficult area. The way we judge others often reflects our own inner self-talk to ourselves. If you do this, and you speak harshly or unkindly to yourself, practice suspending judgement of yourself, for one hour. When a negative thought comes up, gently dismiss it, and instead speak kindly to yourself. It will feel very unnatural to do this, especially if your negative self-talk is ingrained. If you can do it for one hour, do it for another, then another, and so on, adding more time. If you stumble, that’s okay, you can pick it up again.
Your squad loves him or her
“We’re often impacted by our social circle’s influence, and having your friends’ seal of approval on the person you’re dating can provide peace of mind that significantly enhances the relationship,” says Hall. How do you know they really like him? They talk about him in a positive way and ask what he’s up to. And when you get together, he’s invited as well. While your friends aren’t the ones dating him, “it makes group get-togethers easier and more fun, rather than potentially uncomfortable and awkward.”
If people around you are trying to warn you about the person you are with, don’t ignore them! Many times they can see what we ourselves cannot, because the blinders of love can block out the negative.
You don’t complain about him or her to your friends
“You’re not up all night texting your friends about something she did or didn’t do. In fact, it’s hard for you to findanythingnegative about her. Looking for the positive qualities in your partner is a powerful way to strengthen your relationship, Dr. Waldinger says. Not only does it foster happiness and contentment, but it also encourages both of you to live up to those high expectations.
On the other hand, constant criticism or complaining to others slowly destroys the foundation of your relationship over time. The first problem? It chips away at trust. Plus, if all you talk about is the negative aspects of your partner—even if you’re “just joking” with your friends—eventually that will be all you can see about her.”
Of course, if there are real issues, being able to discuss them is helpful. We don’t need to sweep everything under the rug in order to try to keep a positive facade. If there are long-running issues, where they keep happening and there are no changes, maybe it’s time to get some professional help with counselling.
If you find yourself feeling angry with your partner’s actions on a regular basis, complaining to friends may feel good in the moment to release the pent-up emotions, but ultimately it doesn’t solve the issues. If you have tried talking with your partner or friend and there are no real efforts at change, getting professional help allows us to see more options and the bigger picture.
You don’t dodge difficult discussions
“When you can discuss tough topics like kids, religion, sex and politics, you have a solid foundation for a future together. This is true whether it’s your first date or your 50th anniversary: It’s important to prioritize open communication and take the time to hear each other’s opinions—even when those opinions are really hard for you to hear. If you can’t talk about difficult topics, it’s only a matter of time before this prohibition ultimately undermines all your communications.
“Every relationship comes with challenges and difficult conversations,” says Megan Costello, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Los Angeles. “It’showyou navigate these discussions that really matters. Listen with empathy, and strive to recognize strengths in your partner during conversations about difficult topics.”
I was very shy when I was younger, so bringing up uncomfortable topics wasn’t my strong suit. I was also very “green” when it came to understanding life, and what different behaviors meant and how they could impact a relationship. It is easy for people to compartmentalize one’s behaviors and think they won’t impact our partner or other people around, but that’s just us putting on the blinders of denial. Talking about those difficult things sometimes isn’t enough when we don’t know enough about it. Don’t be afraid to learn more, to ask for help in learning and to find supportive resources. There is no need to “go it alone”, for they people who know about those things are usually very supportive. If you bump up against someone who is negative or judgmental, you are allowed to find other more supportive resources!
You don’t feel like you need to change each other
“Often, the very qualities that attracted you to someone can repel you later,” says relationship expert Andrea Syrtash, author ofCheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband).“For instance, you may have originally loved that your husband was fun and spontaneous. Now, you may complain that he never plans anything in advance!” In healthy relationships, you’re not secretly hoping he’ll stop playing video games, be more motivated or have six-pack abs. Syrtash suggests that you try remember what endeared you to him in the first place—instead of trying, or even wanting, to change him.”
Okay, this may be a bone of contention with many, for we get together when we’re in one phase of life, then life happens, and maybe only one person moves forward while the other person still engages in behavior that hasn’t adapted to the new. If you are in this particular situation, talking between yourselves may keep looping around and around and not lead to anywhere productive.
We can let our partner know what we need at this new stage, and it is up to them to see if they can meet those needs or learn to meet those needs. Not everyone can or wants to, depending on their own inner landscape. We cannot change anyone, nor can we force them to change. This is where a counselor can be of help to figure out what the possible choices are and how to get there.
Either of you can go out with friends without checking in every hour
“If you’re in a solid relationship, you have no problem with your significant other going out with their friends on a Friday night. While other friends might ask for pictures or other “proof” that their partner is behaving, you can rest easy knowing that you trust him to respect the boundaries of your relationship. “Trust and respect are the foundation of any healthy relationship,” Syrtash says. “Without them, it won’t work.” You know he’d never betray your trust or do something that would hurt you. You have each other’s backs and don’t keep secrets.”
Of course, if the trust is broken, that’s a different issue, and will need to be navigated. If you are both trustworthy people, then trusting them makes sense, for showing distrust to a trustworthy person only leads to anger and resentment. However, if one or both are not trustworthy, then the question is – are either of you actually ready for a trusting relationship?
You feel free to say what you need
“Strong relationships are not built on mind reading; rather, they thrive on open communication. When you express your wants or needs, you know your partner will listen attentively and do what they can to help. Even better, you’ll do the same for them! Sharing those needs—including those for emotional support, companionship and affection—can make you feel very vulnerable, which is why we normally share them only with our closest loved ones. In healthy relationships, each partner knows they can let down their guard and also be heard, Ruan says. Staying silent and stewing, on the other hand, leads to resentment and other problems down to the road.”
Communicating honestly and clearly is important. We can each have completely different understandings of the same situation or even the meaning of a word. Assuming the other person thinks and feels like we do is a huge mistake, and this is where many misunderstandings come from. It isn’t a question of who is right or wrong, but sharing your perceptions with each other. This is what builds bridges.
You don’t feel like you’re in a constant battle
“This doesn’t mean your relationship is without conflict, but conflict shouldn’t drive the relationship. And when things come up, you know how to navigate the issues in fair, empathetic ways. “Mature couples learn how to interrupt a spiraling-out-of-control issue with a timeout,” says Jim Walkup, a licensed marriage counselor with more than 40 years of experience. This is different than the “silent treatment,” where one person ices out the other one. Rather, taking a breather allows each person to regain their composure, calm down and gather their thoughts so they can continue the discussion in a productive way. The difference is communication: Set a time and place when you’ll resume the conversation, then give each other some space.
It’s also good to discuss your rules and boundaries for arguments when you’re not in the middle of one. “Couples who review their battles and plan what they’ll do different next time will reduce the hurt since they’ve built a solid base,” Walkup explains.”
Setting up your ground rules is important. Name-calling, insults, and speaking in a derogatory way to each other will only create a spin-off of multiple issues. Two very great people can get together, but if the communication style is to be rude, or hurtful to each other, you will only see each other as terrible people.
Learning new rules of engagement is crucial to having a healthy relationship, for we subconsciously repeat the behaviors and patterns we heard and learned in our youth. Yes, old dogs can learn new tricks, it just takes time and effort to make those changes. Learning healthy communication styles isn’t just important between 2 people, but will have spill-over into the relationships with the children too.
You can fight without threatening the relationship
“Too many couples take their disagreements from zero to nuclear war, throwing the “d word” (divorce) or “b word” (breakup) as a trump card. But it’s a sign of a healthy relationship when you can have a disagreement and know that the relationship itself is safe. Occasional conflict is a normal aspect of intimate partnerships, and there is safety in knowing you can disagree without risking the entire relationship. Couples who don’t feel safe with their partners tend to feel highly anxious and stressed, and because of this, they may keep their feelings in. This can build resentment and anger that eventually causes an emotional explosion.
“Disagreements are an inevitable part of relationships,” says Hall. “If you’re both able to hear the other person’s side calmly and rationally and you’re willing to work through it, you’re far more likely to be able to resolve the conflict and move on.” No matter how hot things might get, healthy couples avoid threatening the relationship bond.”
Only use those words if that’s what you want. Threatening it is only a form of emotional manipulation to rty to force the other person to give in. Don’t use manipulation. If you don’t feel the relationship is strong enough, then get some help to learn what you both need to do.
You don’t hesitate to wear your comfy jammies
“Strong relationships provide safety to be your true self, Dr. Waldinger says—whether that’s wearing your favorite sweats with your hair up in a bun or geeking out over your favorite superhero movie. It’s easy to be happy with someone when you’re getting wined and dined; it’s more challenging when it’s just the two of you at home. You’ll know your relationship can make it for the long haul when you no longer feel like you have to put on your best face for your partner and instead can let them see the real you. Date night can be just the two of you, some Netflix, Chinese takeout and the sofa. And that’s not only acceptable—it’s a necessary part of a relationship.”
We need to be able to be ourselves. We need to be comfortable with the person we are with. Also, different people have different timelines when they feel totally comfortable with the other person. It is important to check in with each other, to learn where each one is.
You miss each other when you’re not together
“One of the commonalities in the long-term couples that Dr. Waldinger highlights in his book is how much they think about each other, even when they’re not together. A person’s spouse becomes an extension of themselves. How often you think about your mate during the day—and look forward to being reunited—is one of the biggest signs of a healthy relationship. You know she’s thinking about you when she texts, emails or calls. If you’re traveling for work, you’re sad you won’t see her for a few days, and she communicates that she feels the same way.”
If you are relieved that the other person isn’t there, that is something to be noted. If your life is more peaceful, that is something to be noted.
You make decisions together
“One person doesn’t call all the shots. “The best relationships have a ‘we factor’ instead of a ‘me factor,'” says Samantha Burns, a licensed counselor and dating coach. “You’ve successfully transitioned from single life to functioning as a unified team when it’s ‘What arewedoing this weekend?’ rather than one person making individual plans without consulting their partner.” This goes for everything from what to have for dinner to where you want to live in the future.”
This is a very important point. It takes mindful involvement to keep the conversation going, so both people feel respected and heard, so that the bigger picture is taken into account, not just the needs or wants of one person.
You care about your relationship
“Feeling a little panicked now because you don’t check every box on this list? It’s OK, no couple does—at least not all the time. Just the fact that you’re reading an article about the signs of a healthy relationship shows that you care about strengthening yours, and that’s the biggest sign your relationship is going to be fine. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to try. When both people are willing to work together andkeepworking together, they can build a beautiful relationship that will last a lifetime.”
None of us, or very, very few of us come into a relationship knowing how to have a healthy one. We mostly come in with the baggage of patterns learned from our childhoods, and then we stumble around in the relationships we have, sometimes creating more damage in our lives and in other people’s lives.
Not all people are good for each other, and as such will be able to have a healthy relationship.
We’re all a work in progress. We all can work on our own healing, and we can all develop our communication skills and relationship skills, no matter what we have come out from. No one is a lost cause.

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Blessings!
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Tamara

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